Adult Attachment Styles
Adult attachment theory is a psychological theory that delves into how individuals form bonds in close relationships, particularly in intimate and romantic ones. It is based on attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, which posits that early childhood experiences, especially those involving caregivers, can influence an individual's attachment style in adulthood. While adult attachment patterns generally remain stable after their formation, they can still change. Psychotherapy is one of the most effective methods for altering adult attachment patterns.
While attachment theory is typically used to explain individuals' relationship dynamics, the perception of themselves and others in relationships, it also serves as a personality theory since personality is partially formed through the internalisation of childhood experiences with caregivers. An individual's attachment style therefore depends on whether their childhood experiences were marked by safety and the caregiver's fulfilment of their needs, or whether these early experiences were inadequate, neglectful, and potentially traumatic. These experiences can shape the psychological bond that forms between the caregiver and the child, and the characteristics of this bond may later influence the individual's self-perception and their relationships in adulthood.
Development of Adult Attachment Styles in Children
Research shows that early experiences with caregivers play a significant role in shaping adult attachment styles. As children form attachments to their primary caregivers, this will also influence their attachment patterns in adulthood. This means that adult attachment patterns will also be influenced by parenting styles and childhood trauma.
Secure attachments, characterised by trust, empathy, and healthy boundaries, are associated with higher levels of self-esteem and better interpersonal relationships. However, secure attachment style is not only an indicator of more fulfilling relationships but also enables one to cope better in stressful situations. An individual with secure adult attachment patterns can retain their sense of self-worth and self-esteem also in situations where their relationships may be going through a crisis or when the individual themselves is going through a stressful period in life.
Conversely, insecure attachments can lead to difficulties in forming close connections and regulating emotions. Children who experience inconsistent caregiving or neglect may develop anxious or avoidant adult attachment styles, which impacts their ability to trust others and seek support when needed. Insecure attachment styles, so those with high levels of attachment avoidance or anxiety, also tend to impact the individual’s sense of self and self-worth when their relationships go through a rupture.
The Four Main Adult Attachment Styles and Their Characteristics
There are four main adult attachment styles:
Secure adult attachment style is characterised by a generally positive view of oneself and others and interpersonal intimacy.
Anxious-preoccupied adult attachment style is characteristic of individuals who seek high levels of closeness but may be overly dependent on their partner for reassurance.
Dismissive-avoidant attachment style can be seen in individuals who may tend to avoid intimacy and may come across as emotionally distant.
Fearful-avoidant attachment style is characteristic of individuals who usually have mixed feelings about close relationships due to a fear of rejection or abandonment.
Understanding one's adult attachment style can provide insights into relationship dynamics and behaviors. It influences how individuals communicate their needs, handle conflicts, and perceive emotional support from others.
Adult Attachment Styles and Romantic Relationships
Attachment styles play a crucial role in shaping romantic relationships. They can impact various aspects of such relationships, including sexual intimacy, emotional connection, trust, and the ability of the individual to empathise with their partners. Not only will an individual's attachment style determine the dynamic of the romantic relationship, but it will also influence how one experiences oneself and others in the relationship.
Relationships where partners have secure adult attachment styles will often be characterised by trust, boundaries, empathy, intimacy, and respect. They will be able to endure higher levels of interpersonal stress without causing significant ruptures.
Relationships where insecure adult attachments prevail will conversely be characterised by a lack of trust, volatility, impulsivity, anxiety or avoidance, fear of rejection and abandonment, experiences of engulfment, feeling smothered, and various issues with sexual intimacy.
Adult Attachment Styles and Dating
As Mikulincer & Shaver (2017) vividly portray, attachment patterns are already evident during the dating stage in romantic relationships. Because stress levels during the dating stage are high, individuals will usually psychologically regress in their interactions, so their interactions will more vividly reflect the attachment styles they have.
For instance, individuals with secure adult attachment styles will usually approach dating from a more mature perspective. They feel grounded in their identity, have a healthy amount of confidence about themselves and how they engage, and thus come across as relaxed. The failure of a relationship's progression or potential rejection from a romantic partner also tends not to affect their self-esteem.
On the other hand, those with anxious or avoidant adult attachment styles will usually have quite a different experience. A person with an anxious attachment style may be preoccupied with fears of rejection, ruminating about what the partner may dislike about them. They may find it hard to relax in the moment and may even struggle to follow the conversation as they are preoccupied with what the other person may be thinking of them and whether this could lead to rejection. Anxiously attached individuals may come across as needy or wanting to move too quickly. This may be reflected in how they disclose personal information, which may seem excessive and premature.
Conversely, a person with an avoidant attachment pattern may feel withdrawn, afraid to show their vulnerability, and shy away from intimacy. They may seem aloof, withdrawn, or to an extent, psychologically detached. They may also over-emphasise sexuality (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2017). This means that individuals with avoidant attachment may be perceived as disinterested in forming a stable, close romantic relationship and may appear more interested in a casual sexual relationship.
Adult Attachment Styles and Selection of a Romantic Partner
Research has shown that an individual's attachment style, developed in early childhood, can significantly influence their choice of romantic partner in adulthood. Those with a secure attachment style tend to seek partners who are emotionally available, responsive, and supportive. Conversely, individuals with an insecure attachment style, whether anxious or avoidant, often gravitate towards partners who reinforce their existing attachment patterns, even if those patterns are unhealthy.
While research suggests that people generally prefer or are more attracted to securely attached individuals (see Mikulincer & Shaver, 2017), this needs to be taken with caution, as clinical experience from psychotherapeutic settings suggests there may be more complexity to this.
On the surface, people seem more attracted to individuals with secure attachment styles because they perceive stability, lack of neediness, independence, and maturity in such individuals. While these features may be idealised consciously, the unconscious often operates differently.
During psychotherapy and the exploration of one's unconscious perceptions of self and others, and the relating patterns stemming from these perceptions, we often see that people whose attachment styles are characterised by anxiety or avoidance usually end up with a partner who also has an insecure attachment style.
For instance, someone with an anxious adult attachment pattern may, due to fears of abandonment, be unconsciously attracted to someone who is also anxiously attached. This could be a way for the individual to prevent rejection, as the partner's anxious attachment makes them more likely to remain in the relationship.
Similarly, a person with an avoidant attachment style may find themselves with an avoidant partner, as doing so allows them to avoid feeling engulfed, smothered or suffocated, and having to meet the other person's emotional needs.
Romantic relationships formed based on the partners' unhealthy adult attachment styles may lead to various challenging relational dynamics, such as codependent relationships.
However, it's important to note that partner selection cannot be determined merely by examining an individual's adult attachment patterns. Namely, two people with the same attachment style can be attracted to very different partners. This is why it's crucial to assess the unconscious beliefs about self and others when addressing relationship issues in individual or couple therapy.
Adult Attachment Styles and Psychotherapy
A person’s adult attachment style will also influence how they engage in therapy and influence the success of treatment.
Normally, those whose attachment styles are characterised by higher levels of attachment anxiety and lower levels of avoidance will have less trouble engaging in the therapeutic relationship and building a therapeutic alliance with the therapist. This allows the individual to work through their underlying internal conflicts.
Conversely, individuals whose adult attachment style may be characterised by higher levels of avoidance, tend to have difficulties engaging in psychotherapy. Their avoidance is often re-enacted in the therapeutic relationship, which may result in experiences such as a lack of trust, feeling threatened, persecuted, manipulated, gaslighted, judged, etc. Individuals with highly avoidant adult attachment styles, therefore, pose with higher risk of dropping out of treatment prematurely and not receiving the treatment that they need.
Ales Zivkovic, MSc, Psychotherapist
Related:
Parenting Styles and the Child's Psychological Wellbeing
Relationship Issues Counselling and Psychotherapy
References:
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2017). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.