How Unconscious Fantasies Influence Romantic Relationships

Unconscious fantasies guide, colour, and shape our romantic relationships. But because they are unconscious, we usually remain oblivious to their impact. When, through psychotherapy, we are allowed to see how our internal and external worlds are governed by our unconscious fantasies, the process of our change has passed the point of no return.

Relationship issues are some of the most common themes in psychotherapy. A person may engage in therapy because they are experiencing a recurring pattern of being rejected, ignored, abused, or treated like an object. They may have multiple failed attempts at dating, always finding themselves with 'the same kind of person'. They may experience their romantic relationship as unfulfilling: constantly feeling unseen, taken for granted, and not at the centre of their partner's attention. Or, they may feel like there is 'something missing' all the time, without being able to pinpoint exactly what that something is.

Whilst all these experiences may be quite real, psychotherapy often reveals that they are unconsciously chosen and continuously re-enacted by the individual. Relationship issues almost exclusively originate in the internal worlds of the individual’s that form the relationship. The driving force behind them is an unconscious fantasy which a person is attempting to play out in the relationship. While an unconscious fantasy may also be associated with life in general, I will here discuss the fantasies associated with adult relationships and their impact on such relationships.

What Is an Unconscious Fantasy?

The concept of an unconscious fantasy (or phantasy) has long been one of the prime concepts in psychoanalysis. Some of the first attempts of its definition date back to Isaacs’s (1948) work on the nature and function of fantasy, however, the concept had been around long before. While different authors describe the unconscious fantasy differently and even attribute different meanings to different spellings of the word—so, phantasy and fantasy—I will here avoid the semantics.

It's also important to emphasise that we need to move away from the intuitive and implicit dichotomy of fantasy versus reality (Bell, 2017). Unconscious fantasy and reality often overlap to some degree. The extent of their overlap usually depends on the level of childhood trauma a person experienced. Those with more severe adverse childhood experiences will typically develop more distinct fantasies, which will also be easier to identify in psychotherapy. However, the unconscious fantasies of others may be less obvious, even to the trained eye, and may take longer to uncover.

For the purpose of this article, it is sufficient to think of the unconscious fantasy as a fantasy that develops in childhood as a response to an early unmet need or an adverse experience. This need is pushed out of consciousness, and the person attempts to have it met throughout adulthood, however, being completely oblivious that they are controlled by something of which they are not conscious.

This can involve fantasies about how one lives their life in general. For instance, a fantasy that a particular way of life, such as achieving financial success, career or professional accomplishments, or 'finding' oneself, will bring calmness, purpose and meaning to a person's existence. There is usually a feeling of 'happily ever after' associated with the fantasy. General unconscious fantasies are an important guide as to why someone continues to live an unsatisfactory life and are thus something that we have to uncover during psychotherapy.

I will, however, here focus on the fantasies that develop in relation to romantic relationships and romantic partners, which may not merely contribute but actually cause a person to remain in an unsatisfactory, toxic, abusive, or unfulfilling relationship or to keep engaging in such relationships.

Unconscious Fantasies in Romantic Relationships

The experiences of relationships that we acquire as children, predominantly those with out parents, will ultimately colour the experiences of relationships we have as adults. So, how we as children experienced ourselves in the face of our parents and how we experienced them, will impact how we experience ourselves and others in adult close relationships. This, for instance, is at the core principle of attachment theory, which connects early attachment patterns to how adults attachment styles may have developed.

The ‘Bad’ Experience of Relationships

From the perspective of object relations theory, which is better suited to describe the concept of an unconscious fantasy than attachment theory, we may begin to appreciate the unconscious fantasy's paradoxical role: being both the protector of our psyche and the destructive force in our lives.

When our early-life experiences are traumatic—so, a consequence of childhood trauma, or what we sometimes refer to as attachment or relational trauma—painful experiences of ourselves and others develop and are, because of their pain, pushed into the unconscious. The issue with these experiences, however, is that they continue to influence our lives and impact our relationships (or the lack of them) throughout our adult lives.

For instance, a child who was subject to authoritarian parenting, controlled and constantly told what to do, criticised, judged, or ridiculed may either, as an adult, feel lost without a romantic partner or another close relationship where they can meet the expectations of others, or may, conversely, grow up into an excessively independent person who avoids romantic relationships with an unconscious motive to not re-experience their early-life trauma and to escape their underlying dependency.

Or, a person who, as a child, may have had an experience of not being seen and recognised, whose parents may have been preoccupied with either themselves, their work, or just the struggles of everyday life, may grow up consistently re-experiencing feelings of being unseen and underappreciated in their romantic relationships.

This is how adverse childhood experiences of relationships dictate how we engage, or avoid engaging, in romantic relationships. However, there is more to it.

Unconscious Fantasy of the Ideal Relationship

As we, as children, develop and internalise this negative or ‘bad’ perception of ourselves and others in relationships, to counterbalance it, an idealised version also develops. This is what then shapes the unconscious fantasy.

An unconscious fantasy is an antithesis to the negative or adverse childhood relational experiences and develops as its response. As the child is faced with a non-gratifying or traumatising experience within the child-parent relationship, the child retains hope of having their needs met by developing a fantasy image of how their needs would be met—so, what would be the ideal parent-child interaction from the child’s perspective.

Similar to the distressing experience of violation, the fantasy is as well pushed into the unconscious but continues to influence the individual’s behaviour and relationships also in their adulthood. It provides hope for the individual to keep doing what they are doing as otherwise they may fall into despair.

Berne (1966) poignantly describes the unconscious fantasy when her talks about his concept of, what he refers to as ‘the Santa Claus fantasy’, stating:

“In the Santa Claus fantasy, the individual bases his behavior and his plans on the assumption that if he behaves a certain way he will eventually be presented with a unique object that will bring him the highest degree of happiness.” (p. 283)

This quote vividly encompasses the core of what the unconscious fantasy is and why it develops. A person, completely out of their awareness, engages in romantic relationships assuming that a particular behaviour will bring them a ‘perfect’ partner or turn their partner into a ‘perfect’ one, which, in turn, will bring them the desired ‘happiness’. In this process, neither what the individual is searching for in their partner, nor the the motives for it, are entirely conscious.

Consider a child who grew up with a needy and dependent mother and who was mostly concerned about not hurting the mother’s feelings. The mother raises the child to become someone who emotionally supports her. On the other hand, the mother’s behaviour may be reinforced and encouraged by the child's father, adding to the issue also the father's authoritarian parenting style that may have been overly critical, punitive, even sadistic at times. As an adult, such a person may become programmed to meet the needs of others—also, to avoid feeling lost themselves. The individual may engage in a romantic relationship with a demanding, critical, and punitive partner, where they end up meeting the partner's needs. The unconscious fantasy that actually helps them persevere in such an unfulfilling relationship, however, may be that once they meet the needs of their partner, their partner will finally change or ‘see’ them. Once they give to their partner what the partner is complaining about, they will be let off the hook. They will ‘stop complaining’, ‘get off their back’, or ‘leave them alone’, and they will be able to have their own needs met. Usually, such fantasies also have a ‘happily ever after’ flavour to them.

The fantasy, unfortunately, never comes true. The essence of the fantasy is to give the individual hope for the better future, which helps them remain in an unsatisfying relationship. So, they have the strength to persevere despite their discontent in an illusion that by ‘trying harder’ they can change their partner.

Let’s consider another example. A child grows up with an infantile, self-absorbed, and emotionally distant mother who often suffers episodes of low mood and depression. The child adopts the function of ‘making sure mom’s OK’ and continuously attempts to alleviate the mother from distress. When the mother is suicidal, the child commits herself to ‘saving’ the mother even more. The child, however, is completely unaware that they are emotionally neglected and ‘unseen’ by their parents because of the mother’s narcissism and because of the father’s total preoccupation with his wife and apparent disinterest in the child. As an adult, this person may engage in adult relationships with romantic partners that are infantile, narcissistic, codependent, having not separated themselves from their family of origin, and thus still preoccupied with their parents, aloof, and incapable of living an adult life. This results in the person feeling ‘unseen’, ‘neglected’, or a bystander in their own romantic relationship. The fantasy that may have developed, and which helps them endure such an unfulfilling relationship, however, may be that once they ‘sort out’ their partner and their ‘issues’, their partner will finally ‘see’ them, give them attention, and all will be well—once again, with a ‘happily ever after’ feel to it. Again, the fantasy never comes true.

Conclusion

The unconscious fantasy serves the purpose of preventing the person from falling into despair and hopelessness which would come from acknowledging the reality of their life and the dissatisfaction with their close relationships. In other words, acknowledging the fantasy for what it is—a fantasy rather than reality—could cause despair, evoke an experience of emptiness, mediocrity, boredom, and meaninglessness. Seeing the fantasy for what it is would mean that the only way forward is for the person to come to terms with the shortfalls of their romantic relationship or leave it.

Also, attempting to achieve a fantasy is no longer possible when such fantasy is achieved. This is why, often, the individual will self-sabotage achieving what they are striving for in order not to lose hope of a better future.

In psychotherapy, a deeper look into the unconscious fantasy usually reveals that achieving the fantasy would also be experienced as uncomfortable because it either introduces the limitations of adult life to the person—so, the sky is no longer the limit—or evokes fears of abandonment that may arise in the face of an ‘ideal’ partner.

To conclude, the fantasy acts as a paradoxical cushion, guarding against reality and the despair that comes with it. It helps one escape feelings of emptiness, purposelessness, boredom, or feeling lost and disorientated while also keeping the person in a life of unfulfilling relationships.

Ales Zivkovic, MSc (TA Psych), CTA(P), PTSTA(P), Psychotherapist

Ales Zivkovic is an MSc in Transactional Analysis Psychotherapy, a Provisional Teaching and Supervising Transactional Analyst (PTSTA-P), and a Certified Transactional Analyst in the field of Psychotherapy (CTA-P). He is a member of the United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP). Ales previously worked with individuals and groups in the UK National Health Service (NHS) and is currently a psychotherapist, counsellor, and supervisor in his private clinical practice in Central London, UK. He works with individuals, couples, and groups. In clinical setting, he specialises in the treatment of issues pertaining to childhood trauma, personality disorders, and relationship issues. He also specialises in online psychotherapy. Ales developed a distinct psychotherapeutic approach called interpretive dynamic transactional analysis psychotherapy (IDTAP). More about Ales, as well as how to reach him, can be found here.

References:

Bell D. (2017). Unconscious phantasy: Some historical and conceptual dimensions. The International journal of psycho-analysis, 98(3), 785–798. https://doi.org/10.1111/1745-8315.12586

Berne, E. (1966). Principles of group treatment. Grove Press.

Isaacs, S. (1948). The nature and function of phantasy. The International Journal of Psycho-Analysis, 29, 73.